Honestly satisfactory.

As I am typing this out, it's 2 minutes to 3. And yes my dearest, I am still hyped. Nope, not even a tad drowsy. Screw my sleeplessness. Screw this stupid, endless thoughts that is suffocating my sanity. My mind. My precious, precious brain.

Man I need those space in my brain. For SPM. Shoo thoughts, shoo.

Since this blog is rarely exposed.....well uh no. Since I think nobody actually go to this blog, I suppose it's alright for me to open up a little bit and head on a little deeper in my personal area.

I've been hiding this shit for I don't know....forever? Nah. Invalid. 9 months maybe? Truth is, I am scarred. From my previous.....well yknow. Uhuh. That. Yes. Can you relate now? Glad. Alright moving on.

So I was scarred. And so I suffered in silence. And so and so and so. And so it never ends. But that wasn't the point. Maybe I'll get my shit together someday. What I am questioning here is, why am I so afraid to reveal my vulnerability? I mean, normal people do get upset over stuffs, so why can't I be normal?

Why do I have to pretend?


Why can't I open up? Why can't I just express them like a normal, depressed, female? To me, I don't like people seeing me as a weak person. It's seriously uncool if you're so heartbroken over something so stupid. It is stupid. Okay no, it's not. But it's absolutely minor so I don't see the need to go all apeshit on my part.

But you know, something so minor can go all major if you keep holding it back. If you must know, I can't even get out of the house without worrying that I might see him or bump into him, somewhere. Anywhere. It's annoying and frustrating cause I was pretty outgoing back then. *chuckles* Hey. That was funny. Don't blame.

You have no idea how much it kills me to admit that all of those memories do come constantly on my mind. Wait. They never left my mind actually. It's disappointing and pathetic that only that one name, 2 words, 4 syllables and 12 letters, pops on my head whenever I hear something sweet, i.e love songs, quotes, etcetera etcetera. It is really. Really. Frustrating. Maddening even.

It's hard to comprehend that I do have that weak spot for him. And only him. Perpetually. (Please God, let's deperpetualize that.)

Man, I sound so love sick......It's almost impossible after....so long.....Damn I sound drunk. Or high. Maybe I am both.

You never knew that, do you? Well, I'm glad that you're all informed.

Killing Time

Fluid Mechanics and Hydraulics.

SPM is just a month away. Who would've ever thought that we would all come to this, no?

To those who do not know a tad shit of what that initial means......okay seriously, where the hell did you came from? Oh well, you might be from another country. Forgive me for being so damn rude...and ignorant as always.

SPM would stand for Sijil Pelajaran Malaysia to me. Which actually means Malaysian's Education Certificate? Err I am never sure but whatever, it's close enough. And it is practically, the most important examination that there is, in my life right now. Right this moment. Where everybody, including my parents etcetera etcetera, is counting on me to make them proud.

Let's just say, I am someone filled with self belief, and too, haunted by self doubt.

Lack of confidence. Due to the fact that I am constantly overshadowed by my smart sisters. It's hard being the youngest one where everyone around you are all just waiting for you to do something out of your motherfuckin mind and just give some proof that you're a frickin genius. Everybody, I am no Einstein. Sorry to disappoint but that is, sadly, the truth. But maybe, just maybe, I could give it a shot.

Nothing is impossible, and so, I did nothing all the time.