Moaning.

Exactly how productive was I for the past few weeks?

VERY.

Oh shush I really hate lying. Oh well. Maybe 50% productive? Or was it 35%?

Time flies, surprisingly, very slowly for this past few weeks. I guess it was all due to the fact that I have pretty much NOTHING to do. Tried to kill time by breathing ........guess it didn't work that well huh? Ended up that I was literally murdered and drowned by all of the free time that I have.

And so while I was busy breathing, I couldn't help but have myself lost in my own thoughts about life ahead. And everything. I have so much to worry about and I am only 17 years old. 

I even thought about boys. LOL I was just really bored I guess. But honestly, I'm merely human. I do get lonely at times. Nevertheless, I am still glad that I have my life all to myself. I do wonder how my future partner would be like. Wait, let's be more dramatic, how would my SOULMATE  be like? This, a question left unanswered everytime, at the end of the day.

But but but but, there's only one thing that I would like my Mr Right to love about me - my laugh. He must. HE REALLY MUST. Because personally, I think my laughter is super annoying but I can't help it, the world is just such a funny place and I really just had to laugh out loud. And and and another one, I want him to be humble and responsible! A must have qualities.

Hey, I certainly am not choosy, okay? It's all basic. A frickin base in order for a marriage to work. Well, at least, that's what I think. Wait no, don't listen to me, I am no good at marriages! No experience whatsoever!

Well then, surprise surprise, this beautiful lady here isn't married *eyebrows eyebrows* ;)

Hyped

I actually finished high school. Can you believe it?

So here I am, a lady with all of the free time in the world!

I should spend my free time wisely and as productive as possible. I'm thinking about volunteering at orphanages and homes. I am up for it! I can't wait to read as many books as I want, have fun and laugh as much as I want with my friends, watch movies every night and just fuck my sleeping routines all over again! 

And you know what? I can already smell the scent of freshly approved driver's licence ;) 

Impediment.

I am most forlorn of my behavior yesterday. Believe me, it was rather poignant yet ruthless. I've been under a lot of stress lately. And the best way of overcoming it would be writing. Expressing it in this blog would be the least I could do as a preventive step to ensure that I wouldn't drive myself crazy.

Life is getting more difficult each day. I am aware that I am maturing every second. All my life when I was a child, I wanted to grow up except that here I am now, wanting to crawl back in my mother's womb.

It is surreal that I am now about to finish high school in a few days. Facing SPM the next. Choosing a career path for myself. Managing my own life. Me? The baby of the house? The immature, spoiled, me? You have got to be kidding me man.

My dream, when I was a child (in primary school) was to be an architect. When I entered high school, I started to change my mind to be left undecided until form 4. As soon as I reached form 4, I was so preoccupied with my life that I forgot about everything. So look at me now? What do I want to be? Ask me. Force me for an answer.

A dentist. I figured that the profession has good pay, relaxing work environment and a lot of other career potentials too within itself such as business and volunteering for UNICEF. It was settled, all of my dreams, would come true if I become a dentist.

I want to do meaningful things, that change lives. I want a good life which gives manifold to others.

But you know, working for that goal would be another story now. I am starting. InsyaAllah, I will make it.

So in the future. Remind yourselves to call me, Dr Sirhan the beautiful dentist ;)

I'm sorry I'm a failure.

Yes. Trade me for another daughter. Go change me.

I am rubbish.

Honestly satisfactory.

As I am typing this out, it's 2 minutes to 3. And yes my dearest, I am still hyped. Nope, not even a tad drowsy. Screw my sleeplessness. Screw this stupid, endless thoughts that is suffocating my sanity. My mind. My precious, precious brain.

Man I need those space in my brain. For SPM. Shoo thoughts, shoo.

Since this blog is rarely exposed.....well uh no. Since I think nobody actually go to this blog, I suppose it's alright for me to open up a little bit and head on a little deeper in my personal area.

I've been hiding this shit for I don't know....forever? Nah. Invalid. 9 months maybe? Truth is, I am scarred. From my previous.....well yknow. Uhuh. That. Yes. Can you relate now? Glad. Alright moving on.

So I was scarred. And so I suffered in silence. And so and so and so. And so it never ends. But that wasn't the point. Maybe I'll get my shit together someday. What I am questioning here is, why am I so afraid to reveal my vulnerability? I mean, normal people do get upset over stuffs, so why can't I be normal?

Why do I have to pretend?


Why can't I open up? Why can't I just express them like a normal, depressed, female? To me, I don't like people seeing me as a weak person. It's seriously uncool if you're so heartbroken over something so stupid. It is stupid. Okay no, it's not. But it's absolutely minor so I don't see the need to go all apeshit on my part.

But you know, something so minor can go all major if you keep holding it back. If you must know, I can't even get out of the house without worrying that I might see him or bump into him, somewhere. Anywhere. It's annoying and frustrating cause I was pretty outgoing back then. *chuckles* Hey. That was funny. Don't blame.

You have no idea how much it kills me to admit that all of those memories do come constantly on my mind. Wait. They never left my mind actually. It's disappointing and pathetic that only that one name, 2 words, 4 syllables and 12 letters, pops on my head whenever I hear something sweet, i.e love songs, quotes, etcetera etcetera. It is really. Really. Frustrating. Maddening even.

It's hard to comprehend that I do have that weak spot for him. And only him. Perpetually. (Please God, let's deperpetualize that.)

Man, I sound so love sick......It's almost impossible after....so long.....Damn I sound drunk. Or high. Maybe I am both.

You never knew that, do you? Well, I'm glad that you're all informed.

Killing Time

Fluid Mechanics and Hydraulics.

SPM is just a month away. Who would've ever thought that we would all come to this, no?

To those who do not know a tad shit of what that initial means......okay seriously, where the hell did you came from? Oh well, you might be from another country. Forgive me for being so damn rude...and ignorant as always.

SPM would stand for Sijil Pelajaran Malaysia to me. Which actually means Malaysian's Education Certificate? Err I am never sure but whatever, it's close enough. And it is practically, the most important examination that there is, in my life right now. Right this moment. Where everybody, including my parents etcetera etcetera, is counting on me to make them proud.

Let's just say, I am someone filled with self belief, and too, haunted by self doubt.

Lack of confidence. Due to the fact that I am constantly overshadowed by my smart sisters. It's hard being the youngest one where everyone around you are all just waiting for you to do something out of your motherfuckin mind and just give some proof that you're a frickin genius. Everybody, I am no Einstein. Sorry to disappoint but that is, sadly, the truth. But maybe, just maybe, I could give it a shot.

Nothing is impossible, and so, I did nothing all the time.

I am against myself.

How pathetic. I should just shut my mouth and die in shame now.

Police and Thief in the streets.

I am so depressed. I resorted to writing in you as I had ranted much on my tumblr.

My sister flew off to KL today with my parents. She's going back to Ireland on the 16th, so that is the reason why I am so lonely. I can't help it. My social life is pretty much lifeless since nobody is actually participating in it. I don't really like socializing nowadays except with my closest peers of course, but you know what? I don't live with my friends so, yeah. I just had to face loneliness alone.

I have suicidal thoughts. All the time. Because of certain things that happened in my life. It's pretty private but I know, I already sounded crazy enough anyway.

So what the fuck.

Everything written on the wall of my room.

tired of cleaning up. after everybody's shits

  tired of being mocked, ridiculed & condemned

fat since you were a child

BAD ADVICE MADE YA LOSE WHAT YA GOT, BRAVO!!
 

everybody will be happy if you were fat & ugly once again

Why talk big when you're just a minor someone? 

U R A DIPSHIT BIATCH

dumbo shit              Somebody in da house is St Jimmy!

        

MOCKED FOR EATING THANK YOU VERY MUCH, LOVE YOU TOO.

litter as much as you can & most importantly, never clean it up.

YOU JUST DESTROYED ME

I know it all sounds pretty depressing but that's what you get when you got cool parents and the freedom of expression.

 

Much-Loved

Oh man you guys will forever be my most favourite.

Heartbreak Warfare

John Mayer's. Aah, it has been awhile since I last listened to him.

It's hard to actually define what causes hearts all over the world to break. Let alone fixing them. I did experienced them early this year and I tell you, it was terrible. The pain was excruciating. I couldn't handle the truth, in fact, I couldn't even handle my life anymore. Tears were ready to flow anytime, anyhow, anywhere and just everywhere.

I understand that it's normal for me to fall apart at times like that but at the end of the day, I basically got used to it and I eventually taught and made myself stronger, more independent and mature. I too now, do not trust people easily anymore as I know that I was pretty gullible back then.

It's funny how things like that can totally change you and your perspective in life. I admit, I am very different now from what or whatever I was back then, and I am thankful for what I've gone through that brought me this far. I learnt a lot about myself and discovered more about life and what it really is worth.

My dearest best friend, I love you with all of my being. What you did wasn't smart and it's okay, it's just another mistake and you are forgiven for making me worry so much about you. But, remember, you are normal. All of the things that you're feeling right now, it's all normal. You will get through it, you're strong and an independent lady. Calm yourselves and pray to God. Only He can and will help you get through it. 

So it all comes down to this, I don't think 17 or any younger is the age for relationships. There's room for fun, but not for boys to me. I am sick of it, and I will not repeat my mistake over again. There's no time for any other sore ass loser to have even a teeny weeny bit piece of my mind, note to that.

p/s: I don't understand why people spend thousands for some headphones, specifically Beats by Dr Dre or whatever they are called. Seriously, you can feed a lot of mouths in Africa with that sum of money. And Blackberries are so overrated. Urgh.

My Evil Twin.

Sirhan & Sirhan.

This is my sister. I know we share the same name but please don't get confused.

Fresh.

Right, so the blog's title is pretty naff but I am out of ideas so bear with it. Chip chop, to the main point ; I am new here. Uh, awkward. Maybe I should explain why I decided to sign up for blogspot.

Well..... this is rough but it was just because I got bored. It's sorta explosive when you put an internet connection, a laptop and an insomniac together. God how should I even begin? I think a description of me would be pretty reasonable...

My name is Sirhan. I am seventeen and is currently schooling at Kolej Datu Patinggi Abang Haji Abdillah, Kuching, Sarawak. Yes, I am a proud Sarawakian. And just so you know, there's not a chance for you to even think that everybody in Sarawak lives in the wilderness nor do they subsist in the middle of nowhere as obviously, I am in the reach of the information and technology thank you.

I spend most of my time on the internet, my piano and guitar. I am addicted to tumblr but I am against social networks such as twitter and facebook as they had brought me painful and hazardous experiences that I do not wish to go through again. Urgh, thinking about them nauseates me.

I am short petite. Quoting my bestfriend,

"Sirhan, you are petite but massive. Massive but kind."


Honestly, I don't even give two shits about my size so everybody around me, stop giving me sympathetic stares and quit acting like being short is the end of the world. It is not. Seriously, just no.

I am against Barisan Nasional  Should I say more? Interests. Yes. I am very. Very. Drawn to intellects and non-judgmental people. To me, they are the only people who are worth my time. Lastly, I am hoping to ace my Sijil Peperiksaan Malaysia with a straight line of A pluses. It would also be fun if I get to make the world a better place to live in. I also dream to become a volunteer or better yet, work for UNICEF in the next decade. My dream job? Is to be everything.

Nah, lying. I'm still undecided. I keep changing my ambition. But I'll tell you of course once I've made up my mind.